My virgin friend had me cracking up badly the other week. You see, she is going on 27 and her wedding is slated for the New Year.

So she thought it wise to ask her friend who writes about sex, what to expect come D-day.



All she knows is that she read about the ‘wheelbarrow’ sex position somewhere and decided that will be her favourite. And I just looked at her and smiled; time will tell.



But that aside, she had all these questions on how it would be, that instead of supplying helpful answers, I was doubling over in laughter.

First, she wanted to know how big ‘it’ can get.



“Like, nothing has ever gone up there, save for my finger when I am cleaning up! So what if I get to the wedding night and it is this (showing her fist) big?” She asked so innocently. I reasoned, since a baby’s head pops out of there, size accommodation should not be a worry.

“But a baby’s head comes out; it doesn’t go in!” she insisted. Now I know why virgins fascinate men.



She wanted to know what happens in case she turns out to be too shallow biologically, compared to his size.

“Where does the extra length go then?” coming from a 27-year-old, it was utterly adorable. She wanted to know whether her cervix is a bone that may crack with pressure, or a muscle that will adjust. Whew! Luckily, her husband to be is also a virgin.



Yes. Strange world indeed. In this city where men think all women lose their virginity at 15 years and laugh at the idea of a campuser-virgin, it is refreshing to meet a beautiful corporate virgin, dating a highflying, successful male virgin by choice.



And she is so terrified that what if the sizes are all wrong and he ends up rupturing her cervix and things like that.

Well, trying to keep a straight face, I gave the reassurances as candidly as possible, before allowing myself to finally giggle and reflect on this virtue called virginity.



Some claim it is the most overrated of all virtues. Others say it is not worth it at all. Some men say it is so cumbersome taking a virgin bride. Other men live for the sole prospect of netting a virgin bride.

Well, I say, if you are a virgin out there, keep your virginity. It is worth it.



Some of us started with the honeymoon and now await the wedding, but if you can do it in right sequence, dare to be different.

It doesn’t make sense to rubbish the virtue and then spend years looking for a virgin to marry. Hey, you have left a string of deflowered damsels in your wake; where will the virgin come from?



At university, we had an Arab friend who loved to play with the boys, but at the same time retain her virginity because of a stringent culture. Well, she lost the virginity ‘several times’ with ‘several boys’, and then when her Arab man came along, she still bled like a goat on her wedding night! That was the first time I heard about virginity treatments; apparently something is done to grow a hymen-like membrane back, so that it is ruptured to a new husband’s satisfaction come the wedding night. Poor dudes.



The Arab friend has since left Uganda with her wealthy, obviously contented husband, but she got me thinking… Why the big deal? These are choices; you either keep the original copy or walk the other path, but not try to eat your cake and have it too. Talk of manipulation!

At least it is a refreshing thing to listen to virgins discuss sex. Hilarious.



A once virgin bride advised a bride-to-be virgin to choose a remote and isolated location for the honeymoon, because, “You are going to scream so hard and won’t be able to look at the other hotel guests in the morning if you go to a busy one.”



Look, virginity is still hot, no doubt. But do yourself a favour if you are ever to join the ranks of those who can describe the ‘pink elephants’ to perfection.



Read about sex, talk about sex, teach yourself as much as possible about sex so that when the practical tests arrive, you can tell a Bunsen Burner from the test tube…


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