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The First Affair**
>
>A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
>passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
>made passionate love all afternoon.
>
>Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8: pm.
>As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
>outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
>nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
>
>"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
>"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
>secretary
>and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake
>up until eight o'clock."
>
>The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
>You've been playing golf!".
>
>
>**The Second Affair**
>
>There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
>teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son
>they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
>pregnant
>and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The
>joyful
>father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look
>and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
>
>He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the
>father
>of that child.
>"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
>
>Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
>on
>me?"
>The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
>
>
>**The Third Affair**
>A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
>dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
>examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he
>made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he
>had
>ever
>seen!
>
>"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you
>off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
>as
>to
>be saved for posterity."
>
>With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.
>He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
>person he showed it to was his wife.. "I have something to show you
>that
>you
>won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
>
>"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>
>
>**The Fourth Affair**
>
>A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
>the front door.
>
>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby
>oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
>until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
>
>What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>"Oh,it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
>"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got
>one
>for us too."
>
>No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to
>sleep.Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to
>the
>kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
>milk.
>
>"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot
>at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass
>of water."
>
>
>**The Fifth Affair**
>
>A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and
>asks for a beer.
>"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
>So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice
>juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
>"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
>"How much money?" inquires the man.
>"4 cents," the bartender replied.
>"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man.
>"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
>The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
>
>
>**The Sixth Affair**
>
>Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil
>by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
>Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
>lips
>began to move slightly.
>
>"Becky my darling," he whispered.
>"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
>He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
>something that I must confess."
>"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's
>all right, go to sleep."
>"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
>your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
>"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
>
>
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