By Susan Muyiyi

I am glad my mother-in-law died before I met my husband,” Rita snapped. Rita and a couple of friends were offering tips to Linda, a bride-to–be. Like Rita, a number of women live under the assumption that a mother-in–law has to be from hell!

Truth be told. Some women have had the mothers of their husbands stir up feelings they did not think existed.

Is the relationship between a mother and her son’s wife doomed from the beginning or is it just a stereotype? Anne Asiimwe, a counsellor, points out that most of the conflict brews from misconceptions.

A man learns a lot, if not everything about how to relate with women from his mother.
“Without knowing it, the man expects his wife to act like his mother in aspects like nurturing.

His wife, on the other hand, will blame his mother and get defensive.” The mother-in-law does not have to have done or said anything wrong.

There is a strong bond between a woman and her son, which existed before you came into the picture. It takes some time for you to be incorporated into the system. Asiimwe says this causes a lot of conflict during the first year of marriage.

The lack of universally accepted social etiquette, defining boundaries in this relationship could be part of the cause for cold wars between the two women.

Hadijah Lunkuse, a 40-year-old married woman with five children, says her mother instructed her on how to relate with her future mother-–in-law.

“I was taught the dos and don’ts like not waiting to be served when I visit my husband’s ancestral home.

In the Kiganda culture, a wife is expected to be able to prepare a sumptuous meal.” Failure to do so could offend your mother-in-law.

Robinah would have benefited from this kind of tip. She is an outgoing person who slaps your back so hard when she has a hearty laugh.

Her hand landed on her mother-in-law’s shoulder as she enjoyed a silly joke that did not go down well with her husband’s mother.

“Imagine the embarrassment I felt when our eyes locked! My husband later told me how she had scolded him for my mistake,” Robinah narrates.

Now Robinah knows better. Initially, she did not think it was important for her to set boundaries when relating with her mother-in-law.

Had the scenario played itself when she was with her own mother, they both would have laughed.

Elizabeth Masaba, a marriage counsellor, says the kind of relationship a daughter-in-law has with her mother-in-law depends on the relationship with her birth mother.

A woman may start off the relationship with her mother-in-law filled with the negativity because of the experiences she has had with her own mother.

By the time you meet your mother-in-law, there is shallowness in the relationship.

Most likely, you are keeping up appearances to make an impression. Masaba, however, says starting a relationship with your mother-in-law is not a piece of cake.

Sometimes, the age gap strains the relationship more. In most cases, the mother and her son’s wife are of different generations.

Attempts to be nice are done mechanically because the emotional intimacy does not automatically surface just because you are married to her son.
Masaba says you need to learn how to blend.

“If women from your husband’s tribe behave a certain way, learn the secrets like cooking and mannerisms to wade off any attacks,” she cautions.

Masaba says the relationship between a wife and her mother-in-law affects the way she relates with his entire family. Masaba’s advice is to win them over.

Monica, for instance, realised that remaining indifferent to her mother-in-law was not going to make her life easy.

Her husband’s sisters camped at his house and did what they wanted until she joined arms with her mother-in-law.

But not everyone is complaining. Stella says: “When I was having problems conceiving, my mother-in-law escorted me to most of the doctor’s appointments and nursed me when I finally gave birth.

My husband and I have borrowed money from her on several occasions.” She taught Stella nice recipes, especially for her last born, a picky eater.

You can choose your husband, but not mother-in-law. You can, however, have a fulfilling relationship with her if you work at it.

Is your daughter-in-law a threat?
Some mothers just will not let their sons go. “The possessiveness of the mother is enough to draw battle lines between the two,” says Anne Asiimwe, a counsellor.

A possessive mother finds her daughter-in-law a threat. She has unfounded fears that her son will abandon her.

Such a mother might even feign problems to divert her son’s attention from his family.

Agreeing and disagreeing helps the two understand each other. How else will you know what works? Masaba asks.

Women who have had problematic relationships with their mothers-in-law will most likely act out their frustrations on their daughters-in-law.

There is a likelihood that comparisons will be made between a woman’s mother-in-law and her own mother.

I´ve often heard this saying.."okusanga nyazaala wo,osanga mu amalaalo.." oba how far true is this???

MOM, Rose is greeting you,” my husband often says, while tapping his mother’s shoulder to remind her of my presence. But I am so used to her coldness. She is never in a hurry to answer when I greet her. I kneel; something I do not even do for my own mother.

The first time she ignored me, I thought she had a hearing problem. But I later found out that she dislikes me because I am not of her tribe.

When I met my husband seven years ago, I admired his relationship with his mother. As an aspiring mother, I also looked forward to having one like theirs.

Little did I know that their closeness would become a sore point in our relationship. On some occasions, my husband has accused me of trying to disrupt his relationship with his mother.

My mother-in-law is close to a room-mate. While I do not mind her visiting, she makes it a point to appear impromptu. She takes charge of the home affairs.

Her visits are long — close to six months. Whenever she is around, she decides what food we eat and how I should raise my children.

I have tried instructing the housemaid otherwise, but the old lady is so strong-headed. She, for instance, insists on carrying the youngest of our children on her back most of the day instead of letting him explore his surroundings.

I dread the times she visits. Not being able to communicate frustrates me. We speak through an interpreter given the fact that I am not fluent in her mother tongue.

And what hurts me most is the little things I do behind the scenes, like reminding her son to buy her clothes, which go unnoticed.

My husband never listens to the whole story; whatever his mother says, he takes as the gospel truth. She never smiles when I am around.

Her face beams whenever her son comes home. I am trying not to talk to her about it. She never listens anyway. I try not to get into arguments because the people I have talked to think I am exaggerating my plight.

The mother I miss
I first met my mother-in-law when I was eight months pregnant. She was very receptive to nurturing the relationship. She even sent me herbs to ease childbirth.

When she visited me in the hospital, she had all smiles for her grandson.

We are not so close, but we have a good relationship. It is custom to have get-togethers at my mother-in-law’s house. Initially, I was trying to fit in. I did not know what to say, but followed her cue.

Some years later, I started hosting some of them. I have found solace in her.

Although she is usually the last person I go to when I am having problems with my husband, I trust her judgment. One day I packed my bags to leave her son’s home and one of my sisters called her.

She asked me to leave my bags in the house and go see her. “What is the problem?” she asked, with motherly concern. I shared my woes.

I connected with her, never mind that we come from different tribes. When my husband came home, he was surprised to see her there. She sat through our bickering for hours before retiring to her home.

She followed up with phone calls. “Has he done what he said he would do?” she asked. Before we knew it, my husband and I were on talking terms again. I call her ‘ma’.

She reminds me of my mother who passed away when I was still young. In her, I have found a rock and someone who understands my husband. She means well for us. I am blessed to have a mother-in-law like her.

OOhhhh Yes Jeena; they are from hell but then it depends from which side of hell is each of them. if u get along with a mother in law, then u must have given her some grand children and you still have to show that shes the boss when making decisions,
If u dont do any, then u are trying to take away his son from his loving mum.

We all know that boys have a special relation with their Mums and its that long time closeness that makes the Mothers-in-law so possessive of them. Depending on how you let them be bosses then they will always help and advice on how to please their sons.
They will even take care of the "buwala bwa kinyoozi" without the daughter-in-law lifting a fingure.
Kale banage let them be in charge otherwise.......